It seems we have entered a new era. I think I’m going to dub them the “Not Fair Times” because it’s not fair for the boys and it’s not fair that we get blamed with it…but as we learned long ago, life is not fair.
Our thinker was pondering in his bed as he waited for his little body to drift off to sleep. Les had gone in to check on each boy when he found this one still awake. Our little guy told Les, “I’m mad at you and mom for taking me away from C.” (birthmom)
Les called down the stairs to me where I had been working in the office on the upcoming webinar and asked me to join them in the living room. The three of us sat on the couch in the dim light of the lamp and talked for the better part of 30 minutes.
I told him, “We did NOT take you away from C. Social workers did that because C was not taking care of the three of you.” The whole conversation is not an easy one because you need to explain it on a child’s level and at the same time realize the ramifications of what you’re explaining. For example, I had to explain that birthmom was not feeding them when they were hungry, not changing their diapers when they were dirty, didn’t even know where two of them were at when she gave birth to Justin. I’m telling him that parents can have their children taken from them by complete strangers for not being a good parent. What is a good parent in his mind? Probably not the same definition as mine. This is the same child who several years ago stood beside my bed as I was barely awake one morning and told me, “I’ve given it a lot of thought. I want a new family who won’t tell me no.” So does he think that if I don’t give him what he *wants* that it gives justification for someone to come in and bring him to a new family because I’m not a good mom? If I lose my temper and yell, does that mean I’m not a good parent?
It’s tough trying your best, giving your whole heart to children who can only see that you are not who they want – not the person they crave to be with. They dwell on your shortcomings. They live in a fantasy land where they dream of being with their birthmom who will give them their heart’s desire. He remembers going to visits with birthmom where she would give him anything he wanted. He wanted to rummage through her purse for money, she let him. He wanted to go to the candy and pop machine, she took him. He wanted to play with her cell phone, she handed it over. The mom he currently has makes him clean his room, eat his food with table manners, complete his chores, learn how to read, doesn’t let him watch whatever he wants on tv, gives him a bedtime, doesn’t let him play with her phone or go through her purse. From everything I’ve experienced and know from his birthfamily, he lives in a home completely opposite from them. Is there a reason he’s here and not there? Absolutely. But…through a child’s eyes and heart – you can see how difficult this is on him. Will he one day realize that I gave him what he needed rather than what he (always) wanted for his own benefit? Will he ever realize that I love him with my whole heart? Will he ever know that this family loves him as their own or will he just pine for a family left behind so long ago? It’s easy to think that one day all of this will be realized but I think that’s my own fantasy land – one that will not necessarily materialize. There’s a lot of pain in that little boy’s heart and mind. We’re working through it but can you ever truly be healed from being ripped away from your mom?