It’s one of those days. The days where you can step to the very edge of a mental abyss and have no fear as you peek over and think about all your life decisions. You could even sit with your feet dangling over and gaze because there’s nothing left to phase you. You retreat deep within yourself…and…just think.
One of my all time favorite songs which has applied in my life at different times for completely different reasons is Sarah McLachlan’s song “I Will Remember You”
“…I’m so tired but I can’t sleep. Standing on the edge of something much too deep. Funny how we feel so much but cannot say a word. Though we are screaming inside, O, can’t be heard…”
This abyss and I are friends. We are at the very least well acquainted at this point of life. I’ve dealt with some massively heavy stuff over the years. Those emotions were tossed over into the abyss a long time ago and there they stay. Sometimes I have to return and toss more stuff over and then get up and move on again. I refuse to let anything hold me down. I’ve worked too hard to let it. Sometimes I think the abyss is where you can finally, truly hand your burdens over to God. You sincerely have nothing left to give and allow him to carry you back to the present as you accept all your weakness and imperfections…realizing you just need to stand back up, learn from it, and try again.
I read a friend’s blog post this morning. (My post will be hard to understand if you do not read Annalisa’s too – she is my Internet friend who has fostered 30 kids) http://theasceticlivesofmothers.blogspot.com/2013/02/tea-time-at-abyss.html It’s like she reaches inside my brain and says the most appropriate thing anyone could say to me at that moment. I have very little doubt that God brought her to me so I could feel some sanity in my world. There are certain situations in life, that unless you actually live them day in and day out, you cannot in any way understand. God has blessed me that many of them I have never experienced and all I can do is offer prayers to those who go through incomprehensible sorrow and suffering in my evening prayers in the solitude of my room. We all carry a cross. Some heavier than others – and I pray I never find out just how light mine is compared to everyone else’s.
After reading Annalisa’s blog post, I somewhat hesitantly got up and made a cup of tea. I sat back down at my computer to just stare and sip. Then I heard the muffled voices of my boys talking through their bedroom doors to each other.
I had sent them to their rooms while I cooled off. I had to think about how I was going to deal with some situations. My ears began to perk as I realized they were not just throwing more tantrums. They were having a sincere conversation with each other in between their crying. I carried my cup of tea in my hands and sat at the bottom of the stairs…and just listened.
“Are you going to just sit on your bed and do nothing?”
“I’m not even going to do that! I’m going to sit on my floor and try harder to show mom I want to be part of this family.”
“I want to be a part of this family too.”
“We have to try REALLY hard to show mom we’re sorry. We have to try as hard as a boulder.”
“That’s not hard enough. We have to try as hard as a brick!”
“I wish the future me could come back in time and tell me that everything is going to be ok and to stop throwing tantrums and disobeying. I wish I could go back to Tuesday when mom told me ‘Good job!’ and gave me a high five. I’d give her a hug and tell her I loved her instead of just smiling. Then she’d know I like her. I’d go back to Wednesday and not throw a tantrum and just do my work and then mom could tell me ‘Good job!’ again.”
I think my heart melted right here.
“When mom opens my door, I’m going to tell her I’m sorry and then it will get rid of some of my guilt. The heavy burden will be off my shoulders.”
“What’s on your shoulders?”
“My guilt! It won’t be gone but it will be lighter.”
I think my mouth literally dropped at this point. Are you kidding me?! How does he have any concept of what that means at his age? Not only is he showing he can use it in the correct context but he’s showing he genuinely understands it. Interesting – what actually goes on in his mind that he doesn’t share.
“Oh…me too! I think. Does it hurt on your shoulders?”
“I’m going to show mom I’m really, really sorry.”
Third child, “What are we talking about?”
Hahahaha. That broke the mood. Yeah…at that point, I went upstairs and talked to all of them. Thank you Annalisa for sharing a virtual cup of tea with me!