So I’ve made it a personal goal of mine to finish “The Book” before Gabriel is born. I’m thinking this is a more realistic goal than the one I told Les a few weeks ago. Shortly after finishing the webinar, I told him I wanted to organize an Orthodox homeschool conference for our area (on the scale of – for people within several hours of us) since I couldn’t go to the one in Pennsylvania. (This is the third year in a row I’ve tried to go and wasn’t able to work it out.) For the first time in years, literally years, Les looked at me like I was insane. “You want to do what?!” He meant – you’re 5 months pregnant, just pulled off a huge event and are completely wiped from it, and you’re already thinking about another huge project?! I scrunched up my face and laid back down on my pillow. Maybe I should think about this one for a minute. Maybe he has a point….especially since he’s been nothing but supportive about every crazy idea I’ve had for the past several years. And there have been many. Have I mentioned I convinced him to get 14 chickens last summer? Point made.
Anyway…I just finished another chapter of the book tonight. I’ve put off typing it out purposefully for about a year. I found myself getting angry, frustrated, hurt all over again trying to write it. I didn’t want it to become one big pity party for myself. That wasn’t what it was about. But my emotions were still pretty raw and I didn’t feel I could continue writing it without letting some words slip onto the pages that should never be shared.
I think picking it back up again during Lent was a good choice. I’ve spent many, many, many nights scripting the pages I intend to write and also thinking about the goal of the book and where I want to take it. I’ve got a plan now. I want to try and show the cross we all carry. Even the people that left me up nights venting away to Les when I was beyond sleep deprived. I want to try and incorporate their feelings in the situations as I write the story. I’m hoping that by putting myself in their shoes, now anyway since I couldn’t then, that I can forgive them for everything they put me through. This is my goal.
In the mean time, I just finished a chapter on Malaki and I’m missing Malaki and Justice something fierce tonight. The picture above is my life with the five boys. I literally went shopping like that with them since Les was gone a lot flying.