Sometimes life’s journey is not exactly how you envisioned it.  The hills (high points) and valleys (low points) come and go as they choose.  Some of them overstay their welcome while others never seem to stay long enough.

I don’t lament any of my struggles.  They have strengthened me & influenced me to the person I am today – but that doesn’t mean I don’t wrestle with them from time to time.

One of them is the enormous hurt I feel from my big boys.  I can’t describe the pain of being rejected over and over and over again. Did I mention over and over and over and over again?  Now…you may think I’m being a bit over dramatic about this – but then all I have to say to you is this – may you continue to never know that kind of pain.

It got me thinking.  Over the years, I’ve found myself having difficulty expressing my love to the big boys after being pushed away by them countless times.  One learns to stay away from pain after being hurt.  I’ve found myself putting a protective bubble around myself towards the big boys just like they have always done to me.

I. Hate. It.

Several days ago I decided to open up my heart for yet another possible round of rejection.

I. Am. Not. A. Quitter.

For if you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? – Matthew 5:46

I have become what my family has affectionately dubbed – The Heart Fairy.  I leave a heart taped to each person’s door after they have gone to sleep with something I admire about them.  I never told them I was going to do it and when there was a lapse in a few nights of hearts – then something was said to me about how much it meant to everyone & how they miss them.

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Sometimes it’s really hard to notice the good in others when we’re hurt.  Sometimes it’s hard to open yourself back up when you’ve been pushed away.  Sometimes it takes a great deal of effort to try “one more time” when you’ve been told you’re not good enough.

Maybe this is my way of testing the waters just like one of my sons who hovers his head over my shoulder waiting for me to pull him in for a hug.  Sometimes…I want to be pulled in for a hug too.